Out there is that thing.

April 18, 2023

I had a student come up to me after class and tell me she liked when I said, "If you fall

that's excellent because it means that you're trying" (we were practicing tree pose). I joked with her, saying that I just say the things I need to hear. Since my yoga teacher training I have really leaned into yoga as a lifestyle and have found that to be even more rewarding than practicing or teaching the asanas. I like to theme my opening meditation and classes around the Yamas and the Niyamas, and I find myself constantly returning to the necessary balance of asteya and satya: nonviolence and truthfulness.

Deborah Adelle puts it so beautifully in her book when she reminds us that neither of these jewels can exist on their own and they both require courage. It's true that the classes I teach are what I need to hear most and like my student that needed to be encouraged to try-- maybe my story will resonate with you. I have not felt like "enough" many times in my life and it has driven me wild with goal-setting and the drive to achieve -- to seek approval outside of myself. "You don't get a doctorate on a whim," I was once told. I get asked fairly regularly if I "use my degree." I have tried answering this in a few different ways.

Straight up: "No." Not at all. Not anymore. I have a degree in paleoclimate and micropaleontology and I teach yoga and farm now.

Or I might say, "In a way." I think about the earth and when I see rocks and fossils I see the story they tell and (I don't say this part but) I get this feeling inside me where I can feel my heart tied deep into its core -like the greatest sense of security - like the exact opposite sense you might have when you look at the stars and feel small or lost or confused or alone, but at the same time that same sense of wonder, too.

Sometimes, I say something practical like, "Well, I wanted to teach paleontology but all of the school's departments are making cuts and paleo is one of the first to go/I applied to tons but never got hired/Complain about the incestuous nature of academia (knowing people in high places) and say I worked in consulting to "use my degree" and hated it.

When I think about this question in the context of yoga, especially asteya and satya - that balance- the answer I would give to if I "use my degree" would be that I am more focused on using my gifts now. My gifts are what make me inherently me; the combination of which no one else has. My gifts are what got me that degree in the first place. My gifts motivated me to want to learn more and understand how our planet lives, breaths, changes, how it has gone through incredible catastrophes and is still so beautiful. How we visit its scars and absolutely marvel at them; how it feels to know your oldest, closest ancestor in a way most people never do.

I have seen pictures of the three grand parents of mine I never got to meet. I wonder if I could have been to the house they grew up in or hold their favorite piece of clothing they always wore. If I could run my fingers over laces, leather, or buckles, would I feel that spark of knowing them? that's the thing about our oldest and closest ancestor, though. She's still here. She's still alive - when you run your fingers over bark, or moss or rock it isn't a trinket and it isn't a photo.

Our farm is called Finca Shibui - finca meaning farm as a nod to my partners Colombian heritage and Shibui - a beautiful word we don't have one for in English meaning "elegant primittivity." We joked yesterday that we have really accomplished the primitive part of that word - a year in and we still don't have running water - but that seemingly contradiction of elegance and primittivity is exactly the earths dynamics - shibui. Our farm really is trying to honor and work with earth's systems - I know we won't always get it right but I hope that any scars that are made we will still be able to marvel at.

The tag line, "out there is that thing" comes from one of my favorite Alan Watts lectures. When I got interested in geology it was because of that feeling of going out into the forest, the river bed, the beach, the ocean, and feeling at home. Feeling a connection to someone and something that has just really been through it, ya know? Someone that could always relate but never gave you the impression they were saying, "Oh yeah? Well I had it worse." or "It was much harder when I was growing up." Someone who wasn't going to coddle you - someone who was going to let you make mistakes so you could feel the joy of learning and improving and being proud of your determination and growth. Someone who could show you something breath-taking and something so comforting, too. Like the awe of a thunderstorm and the softness of the rain.

To me, out there really is that thing - it's the thing that drove me to pursue a doctorate and it's the thing that makes the sutras and farming "right" for me now. We so often look outside of ourselves for validation, comfort, support, happiness - but to "go outside" to look to the earth - to understand our oldest, closest ancestor in a way that we really can - we can meet her in every moment. She isn't a trinket to be visited and wonder what her hair smelled like; she is here now - with us now - we just have to go outside to meet her.

"Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair." Khalil Gibran

Asteya and satya require all the courage you can muster. to do no harm and be true to yourself - to balance delivering that truth with having it land in a way that doesn't harm anyone, is a skill to always be tested and refined. To tell the truth: I use my degree in a way that brings me awe, wonder, delight, peace, and connection. I use it to help me treat my oldest, closest ancestor like she's alive - because she is. I don't always get it right - but I hope to have the courage to keep trying to get it right and to share what I know with others. What I'd really like is for other people to "use my degree", too.

I reconnected with my Babcia, recently. I hadn't spoken to her since my father died and I knew I would regret letting that relationship go while she is still physically on this planet with me. There is a lot of pain there and it is difficult to draw on satya and asteya to navigate this but ultimately I feel so much joy and peace to know that connection isn't gone and I can always keep working to make it stronger.

If I am to truly use my degree and my gifts, I think it will be more nuanced then something that is straight forward or expected like the career I had initially anticipated - to teach paleontology at a university and to keep publishing and researching. To me, there will always be more to learn about the earth because, like us, she is changing everyday and we might unearth something about her past that we didn't already know. Even more important to me than getting to know something new about her that no one else knows is helping more people to meet her in a way that makes them feel like they are coming home for the first time.

The earth is only a scary place because we make it that way. I hope that like I am trying to do right now - you will have the courage to go out of your comfort zone, change your perspective, meet someone new. I hope you will laugh when you fall and be so proud when you catch yourself and try again. I hope you will turn off your phone and get dirt under your fingernails. I hope you will call the ones you still have alive on this planet - I hope you will reach out and connect - go outside to find that thing, find your self, and find that you are home.